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You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can`t believe they haven`t paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
I need a vacation ... or this fifth of Jack -Me at the liqiour store
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
I work so hard for my gta V character to have a better life
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.