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Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
roses are red violets are blue da shit in my back yard looks jus like you
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.