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why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.