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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
Up to date Girl Scout cookie sales by states: California: 138,000 Boxes Florida: 129,000 Boxes Virginia: 126,000 Boxes Colorado: 8 Million Boxes
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...