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If it requires pants, its not happening today.
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
What about a To-Don`t List?
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards