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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I`ve eaten 107 push-up pops.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!