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I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
You know what`s more miraculous than a video with a million view but no dislikes on YouTube? The detention sheet empty for my class.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.