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According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
Reverse Psychology: DO not STALK MY FB PAGE. YOU ARE not OBSESSED WITH ME...
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.