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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
I just noticed me saying "LOL" everytime I`m laughing = facebook addict...lmao :)
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.