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Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
is giving everyone permission to steal, and use this status.