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As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..
People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....