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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.