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If you bend over and place your ear next to a girls vagina , you can clearly hear her say "WTF are you Doing!"
I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
roses are red.... my name is dave...this poem makes no sense.... microwave...