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I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.