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Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.