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If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
does anyone know if smurfs are gluten free
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like