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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
They should make a "How It`s Made" episode on how "How It`s Made" is made.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch