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2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
Being rich doesn`t equal happiness but i`d rather cry in a ferrari
Some people post because they need attention and validation. Not me. (Thanks for reading this, the `Like` button is below)
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.