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The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
only 9530 days until retirement.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
when is humpty dumpty going to hatch?
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”