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Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
People: What a bunch of bastards!
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.