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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
Bacon...need I say more
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook.
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.