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Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
I`m switching to Metric. I would weigh a lot less on the Metric scale.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you