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Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
Today`s subliminal thought is: …
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.