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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping…..Ha, try online dating
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.