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Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.