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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
i honestly hate saying sorry but when i do i really mean it :-)
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing about nothing.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
what I hate about technology is that even my book ran out of batteries
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.