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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
I know u r but what am I ?
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking