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You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
I`d like to help you out ... Which way did you come in?
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.