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I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
It is totAlly unnecessary to put a PM after 23:00.
He turned to her, ran his hand up her thigh, across her belly and down her legs. When he turned back to watch TV, she asked "Why stop?" "I found the remote!" he replied.
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie