Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.