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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
It’s ok if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
It doesn`t matter if you don`t like my personality... I have several more!
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.