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I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I`m depressed.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.