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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
So many people are making history right now. but me, I`m deleting history from my browser.
Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I`ve eaten 107 push-up pops.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
Good For OJ, he gets to take another stab at life..
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360