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Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don`t even know what I`m doing with the rest of this post...
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.