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I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
What`s worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
My package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."