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I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
"Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted!