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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.