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New day, same old bullsh!t
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
I hate that feeling when you feel you wrote something good on facebook and then nobody likes your status. Depressing... :(
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
I play hard to get along with.