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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.