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Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."