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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"