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The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.