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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
I`m not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?