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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
Partying on my level requires years of training.
If Google can`t find the answer, it`s not a question.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
Guys if a woman shaves hers legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
EVERY Friday is good in my book!
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.