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When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
Decisions decisions ... Guess I`ll drink on it.
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.