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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.