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"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
Can anybody PLEASE tell me where you buy Common Sense?? I know several people that need some!!!
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell