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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
I put the pro in inappropriate.
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if Iām not sure what it means
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?