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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
Who named them veterinarians and not "dogtors"?
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
I`ve decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term `Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.