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Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
I wish common sense was more common.
Guys i did not copy or edit this status of mine.Please believe this is my own idea!
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.