Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.