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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
Siri, where are my pants?
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.