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It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."