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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
Life`s short ... Drink fast
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”