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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
is deep in thought . . . if only i could remember what i was thinking about
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
So can we just skip to summer now?
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
Try trick or treating in spandex... I`ve seen how much it can hold.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?