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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.