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This Polo shirt as two buttoning options: Uptight Golf prick or disco chest hairs.
that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
My job blocked the Favstar website and I`m not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I`m totally taking hostages.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.