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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.