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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.