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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Question everything...Or should you?
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.