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Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
My favorite beer is an open one.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.