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You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
i dont drink any more and yet again i dont any less either
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.