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I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.