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That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
Just found out that Iām 53 Cheetos tall.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
I put the PRO in inappropriate!
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.